Thursday, July 22, 2004
A Woman of Substance - the conclusion
And so we return to me, pining for my dead husband Joe. Actually no that isn't what happens at all. Why instead we see Emma welcome home her friend Blackie and her brothers Frank and Winston from the war. Emma offers Frank a job and before you know it they're living it up at the Ritz. Emma in a silver lame dress and a new hair do. Frank is asking why she doesn't marry again.
I think to myself, goodness her husband has only just died and she's living it up in London looking for a new husband.
Turns out several years have past (missed that, should have realised by the new hair do). Emma replies:
"I'll never marry again" and glances across the room and claps eyes on Barry "Oh Brad" Bostwick.
Brad, sorry Paul McGill, is an Australian. Cue comedy accent and brash wooing technique. It works, Emma falls for Paul's not so subtle charms and puts us through some of the WORST onscreen kissing. EVER. (Even Jenny Seagrove looks sheepish at that). They fall in love and go rowing on the Serpentine. This is how we know they are in love. Paul, however, has two things to say to Emma. 1. I love you Emma (she, I must confess, looks very cute blowing him a kiss at that) and 2. I'm married Emma. (Oh Paul, Repressed Mad Catholic Wives Who Won't Divorce are SO 19th century). Emma blinks once, then twice and says "Take me back to the shore Paul" then flashing her winning smile adds "I won't run away."
Paul goes to war. The War ends. Paul rings to say "I'm going to Australia to divorce my Repressed, Mad, Catholic Wife Who Won't Divorce me."
Meanwhile I continue my vengeance on the Fairleys. Having built up a portfolio of companies I use them to ruin Gerald Fairley. This isn't too hard, Gerald is a gambler and bad manager. His days are numbered.
Emma writes to Paul but never hears back. She is sad, why we even see her cry. So she does what a woman in her situation would do (independent, hugely successful, wealthy, surrounded by loving friends and family) she marries the first dandy to come her way, Arthur Ainsley. "A woman needs a husband" says Emma as she goes off on her honeymoon never looking back to see Paul arrive at her door. "I'm sorry sir, Mrs Harte is on her honeymoon" and with that his dreams are shattered.
*flashforward/plot summary*
My business's grow even more, I have twins to Arthur - Robin and Elizabeth, I discover my husband is a philanderer, cad and purveyor of gentlemen's flesh and finally get the opportunity to ruin Gerald Fairley.
Emma arrives at Fairley Hall with Blackie. Gerald recognises her and is appalled. He orders her out. She replies it's her desk. He sputters again, "Get Out." Emma raises an arched eyebrow and the camera comes in for a close up.
"I'm not wrong in thinking you sold Fairley Hall to the General Retail Company? The General Retail Company is a division of Proctus which is owned by a company called Emran"
Extra Close up
"Yes I'm afraid I own Emran too."
*flashforward/plot summary*
Even more years go by, Emma doesn't age, her hair does. The children grow, she goes to another party, Arthur is still being a cad and philanderer. Her brother asks "Why don't you divorce" she replies "I'll never divorce" as she looks across the room and sees Paul. They erase all the years apart and indulge in some more of the worst on screen kissing and love making ever seen and have a child, Daisy. She is not illegitimate as her birth certificate says she's Arthur Ainsleys daughter. More years pass, we see Paul & Emma happy together with Daisy. Her other children are resentful. Emma doesn't understand why. Suddenly it's Daisy's 14th birthday and Paul says he's off to Australia to try one last time for a divorce from his Repressed, Mad, Catholic Wife Who Won't Divorce him.
Australia: The Sydney Harbour Bridge. Paul is in a car accident and has become a paraplegic. He will also die from liver failure in six months. So he shoots himself.
Poor Emma. She lies on a sofa and closes her eyes.
*dissolve*
When she wakes she is Deborah Kerr again. Hello Deborah, nice to see you. It was all a dream, none of that happened, I met Cary at the top of the Empire State Building and I can walk. Oh.
We are in Yorkshire, my favourite grand-daughter Paula "Miranda 'I'm Queen' Richardson" McGill is by my side. We have a dinner party show down where I cut off all my children except Daisy from my will and bequeath all my many businesses to all my grandchildren who we've never seen before. Blackie arrives. Is it, could it be? Why yes it's the babyfaced Liam Neeson made to look like a young man in aging makeup.
I decide on a whim to let Paula marry Jim Fairley (yes Edwin's grandson)
"So much bitterness; well that's in the past now."
Blackie & I retire to the grand balcony over my beautiful Yorkshire Estate and leave my bickering eldest children clutching million pound cheques. I am surprised they don't fight for vengeance, they are clearly not their mother's children. I give Blackie a big sentimental farewell and recap of our life together, he gives me a sapphire brooch. He asks what the secret of life is - probably wondering what happens when the aging makeup is real. I turn to Blackie and say:
"The Secret of Life, to endure"
Credits Roll.
*orders Hold the Dream and To Be the Best from play.com*
*entire readership of 4 deletes Tickets, Money, Passport from favourites*
I think to myself, goodness her husband has only just died and she's living it up in London looking for a new husband.
Turns out several years have past (missed that, should have realised by the new hair do). Emma replies:
"I'll never marry again" and glances across the room and claps eyes on Barry "Oh Brad" Bostwick.
Brad, sorry Paul McGill, is an Australian. Cue comedy accent and brash wooing technique. It works, Emma falls for Paul's not so subtle charms and puts us through some of the WORST onscreen kissing. EVER. (Even Jenny Seagrove looks sheepish at that). They fall in love and go rowing on the Serpentine. This is how we know they are in love. Paul, however, has two things to say to Emma. 1. I love you Emma (she, I must confess, looks very cute blowing him a kiss at that) and 2. I'm married Emma. (Oh Paul, Repressed Mad Catholic Wives Who Won't Divorce are SO 19th century). Emma blinks once, then twice and says "Take me back to the shore Paul" then flashing her winning smile adds "I won't run away."
Paul goes to war. The War ends. Paul rings to say "I'm going to Australia to divorce my Repressed, Mad, Catholic Wife Who Won't Divorce me."
Meanwhile I continue my vengeance on the Fairleys. Having built up a portfolio of companies I use them to ruin Gerald Fairley. This isn't too hard, Gerald is a gambler and bad manager. His days are numbered.
Emma writes to Paul but never hears back. She is sad, why we even see her cry. So she does what a woman in her situation would do (independent, hugely successful, wealthy, surrounded by loving friends and family) she marries the first dandy to come her way, Arthur Ainsley. "A woman needs a husband" says Emma as she goes off on her honeymoon never looking back to see Paul arrive at her door. "I'm sorry sir, Mrs Harte is on her honeymoon" and with that his dreams are shattered.
*flashforward/plot summary*
My business's grow even more, I have twins to Arthur - Robin and Elizabeth, I discover my husband is a philanderer, cad and purveyor of gentlemen's flesh and finally get the opportunity to ruin Gerald Fairley.
Emma arrives at Fairley Hall with Blackie. Gerald recognises her and is appalled. He orders her out. She replies it's her desk. He sputters again, "Get Out." Emma raises an arched eyebrow and the camera comes in for a close up.
"I'm not wrong in thinking you sold Fairley Hall to the General Retail Company? The General Retail Company is a division of Proctus which is owned by a company called Emran"
Extra Close up
"Yes I'm afraid I own Emran too."
*flashforward/plot summary*
Even more years go by, Emma doesn't age, her hair does. The children grow, she goes to another party, Arthur is still being a cad and philanderer. Her brother asks "Why don't you divorce" she replies "I'll never divorce" as she looks across the room and sees Paul. They erase all the years apart and indulge in some more of the worst on screen kissing and love making ever seen and have a child, Daisy. She is not illegitimate as her birth certificate says she's Arthur Ainsleys daughter. More years pass, we see Paul & Emma happy together with Daisy. Her other children are resentful. Emma doesn't understand why. Suddenly it's Daisy's 14th birthday and Paul says he's off to Australia to try one last time for a divorce from his Repressed, Mad, Catholic Wife Who Won't Divorce him.
Australia: The Sydney Harbour Bridge. Paul is in a car accident and has become a paraplegic. He will also die from liver failure in six months. So he shoots himself.
Poor Emma. She lies on a sofa and closes her eyes.
*dissolve*
When she wakes she is Deborah Kerr again. Hello Deborah, nice to see you. It was all a dream, none of that happened, I met Cary at the top of the Empire State Building and I can walk. Oh.
We are in Yorkshire, my favourite grand-daughter Paula "Miranda 'I'm Queen' Richardson" McGill is by my side. We have a dinner party show down where I cut off all my children except Daisy from my will and bequeath all my many businesses to all my grandchildren who we've never seen before. Blackie arrives. Is it, could it be? Why yes it's the babyfaced Liam Neeson made to look like a young man in aging makeup.
I decide on a whim to let Paula marry Jim Fairley (yes Edwin's grandson)
"So much bitterness; well that's in the past now."
Blackie & I retire to the grand balcony over my beautiful Yorkshire Estate and leave my bickering eldest children clutching million pound cheques. I am surprised they don't fight for vengeance, they are clearly not their mother's children. I give Blackie a big sentimental farewell and recap of our life together, he gives me a sapphire brooch. He asks what the secret of life is - probably wondering what happens when the aging makeup is real. I turn to Blackie and say:
"The Secret of Life, to endure"
Credits Roll.
*orders Hold the Dream and To Be the Best from play.com*
*entire readership of 4 deletes Tickets, Money, Passport from favourites*
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